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Profile text: reloacatabele within Canada I am an Asian guy, not Caucasian No C2C if you only use your dick to think, dont even bother to send me messages. And if you dont like to read those jokes but you still check my profile, who is the loser then? dont let someone become a priority in your life, when you are just an option in their life... Relationships work best when they are balanced My fav type : Caucasian older guys who got a nice trimmed beard, blue eyes and who loves to wear solid light blue shirt, hairy Update 30th Sep 2019 a Joke from a member in Netherland Three Wishes A fairy saw a lion chasing a rabbit in the forest . She asked both to stop"I will grant u both 3 wishes" Both Agree. Lion:- All lions in this forest, except me, be female. Rabbit wished for a helmet. Lion thought stupid rabbit, wasting his wish. 2nd wish Lion:- i wish all the lion in next forest be female. Rabbit asked for a bike. Lion shocked again. 3rd wishLion:- all the lions in the world be female except me. The rabbit grinned, started his bike n said......Make this lion gay !! Update 19th APril 2017 A man suffered a heart attack while shopping in a store. The store manager called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital . A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a weak raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun. He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law." Update 24th Dec 2015 It is Xmas I Nearly Became A Doctor. When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School. One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect. Those who answered spine are doctors today. The rest of us are on Silver Daddies looking for hard cocks. Update: 15th Dec 2013 Must share this one lol VERN'S FUNERAL Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends Two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, So for his birthday she takes him to a local Strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Vern! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to This club before. "Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league ." When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern If he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable And says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her Arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all Over him and says... "Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Vern's wife, now furious, Grabs her purse and Storms out of the club. Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in Beside her. Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper Must have mistaken him for someone else, But his wife is having none of it She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, Calling him every 4 letter word in the book.. The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.' VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY Update: 20th May 2013 thanks to an american Husband and wife go to the cinema, xxx cinema. During the movie the wife elbows the husband and whispers, "the guy next to me is playing with himself" ... the husband replies: "well move to another seat" .. she says: " I can't - he's using my hand" LOL update: 19th March 2013 thanks to a Canadian friend, he gave me this joke and i learned that phrase A little boy in class keeps scratching his groin so the teacher asks him what's the problem. The little boy says he was circumcised the day before and he is really itchy. The teacher not wanting to handle this situation sends the boy to the office. He comes back a few minutes later with his penis sticking out of his pants. The teacher is horrified and asks why. The little boys says he had talked to his mom on the phone and she had told him if he could stick it out till noon she would pick him up. Update: 8th Jan 2013 Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her Ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the Ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could Relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man Replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still Clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently Took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and Put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and Asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken! Updated:15th June A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said- "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair" the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair" Her sister smiled and said-"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas." Mom fainted. Update: 29th April So a pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit." "It was my first day with the hook." Update: 18th April Little boy at the nude beach. THIS IS PRICELESS... .. A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.' The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is' Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother, 'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.' Update 28th March Ebay scam warning Beware of the most recent Ebay Scam! If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully. Be careful what you purchase on eBay. I Spent $50 on a penis enlarger. Bastards sent me a magnifying glass. Instructions said, "Do not use in the sunlight" Update 7th March: iDEAR??? It all began with an iPhone... March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't? I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad. Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch. My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon. Update 7th March Two old guys talking. One said to the other: "My 70th birthday yesterday, wife gave me an SUV". Other guy: "Wow, Imagine that an SUV! What a great gift!" First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!" Update 20th Feb THE PERFECT HUSBAND Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes." WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$90,000." ; MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?" Update 7th Feb, you gonna love this joke, thanks to my friend A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, 'I can cure this.' With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a Flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, 'This is powerful healing But you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' And it shall rise for as long as you wish!' The man then asks, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want To continue?' The medicine man replies, 'When your partner can take no more sex all She has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, the Pork sword will not rise again for another year.' The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he Showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, Cuddles up to his wife, says '123' and suddenly he has the most Gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised. His wife turns over and asks, 'What did you say '123 for?" Update 2nd Feb A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to Test it on himself first. So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch and Everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure Than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that He couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to Disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still Without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with His mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!). 'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works Fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?' 'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will release Automatically once it's collected two gallons.' Have a nice day..... Update:20th Jan thanks to another friend here, he sent me this funny joke lol Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, But she belonged to someone else... One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. ' She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his Pants down.' So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She responded, 'The bastard used coins!' Update:21th Dec NO Speak English A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs. Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts. On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store..... (Please scroll down.) What were you Thinking? Her husband speaks English! Update: 16th Dec Three women and three men are traveling by train to the football game. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket. "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men. "Watch and learn," answers one of the women. They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!! "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed man. "Watch and learn," answer the women. When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into a toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. She knocks on their door and says, "Ticket please." Update: 10th Dec A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window. He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b." "I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment," said the owner. "I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man. "O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner. So the man went out and came back an hour later. "H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man. The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out. The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money." The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?" "W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t-t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?" 11th Nov GOTTA PEE Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had been over-enthusiastic on the "Bacardi breezers." Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' " 4th Nov: What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours? > > > I walked into a drug store in Fairport and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. > > She then asked if she could help me. I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. > > The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism. > > > I reluctantly agreed and began by saying,'This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. > It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.' > > The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister..' > > > When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do. 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses. > 30th Oct: A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance. One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why yes sir. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes sir, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out also. The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, sir. You wear contact lenses." The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked. The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one f**kin' ear." 20th Sep, first 3 some, woo hoo A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!" The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican.." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America." The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese." The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American." He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Africa." Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work." Update:19th Sep What is Love? ---------------------- One day, Plato asked his teacher, "What is love? How can I find it?" His teacher answered, "There is a vast wheat field in front. Walk forward without turning back, and pick only one stalk. If you find the most magnificent stalk, then you have found love." Plato walked forward, and before long, he returned with empty hands,having picked nothing.His teacher asked, "Why did you not pick any stalk?" Plato answered, "Because I could only pick once, and yet I could not turn back. I did find the most magnificent stalk, but did not know if there were any better ones ahead, so I did not pick it. As I walked further, the stalks that I saw were not as good as the earlier one, so I did not pick any in the end.His teacher then said, "And that is love." You have to be registered and logged in to contact A 2 (Bone fracture) |
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